finding balance...

How does one find balance in life with all the things going on? I'm single, so I have all the time in the world to do what I want, right? Yet, there never seems enough time for it.

I need to train, but I don't want to shower three times a day. And lately I've discovered a love for sleeping in til the last moment. I want to see friends, but we're so spread out in our locations. I want to see that guy... but he's so hot and cold and last minute, but plan ahead... a mess in my brain. I want to be the best triathlete I can be, but don't want to obsess over it. I feel like when I really have dedicated myself to my training, that's all I become. A triathlete. That's all people ask me about. That's all I spend my time doing. I become one dimensional. And that has apparently ruined what I thought was going to be a relationship that would last forever.

Or is that what ruined it? Was that just the excuse given by someone who is so scared of how great things could be because of the people in his past that he just ran away. I'm nothing like them. Or so I've been told. Is he so scared because there's potential for really getting hurt. I'm petrified. I care about him so much, he can definitely hurt me badly. And has. And yet, I return. He's given no real reason why not. Only ideas of why it would be so great and so perfect. Is it just a show? Things he says that he knows will make me happy, make me think, make me wish... so that I stick around... put on the back burner... waiting..... It's hard to believe that. It's been nearly five years since our first date. Yes, I found an old journal and found entries about him. Call it sad, pathetic, or whatever you will. But, even back then I seemed to know this was going to be a long-term something, a whatever it turned out to be. Do I wait? Am I imagining the progression? The words that spilled out of his mouth a few weeks ago to my friends "who would have thought I'd fall in love with a girl with the same name as cheese?" Is it because I haven't actually put it into words exactly how I've felt. I've tried to let my actions do all the talking. The discussion of how we would be married for a year before kids, that I'd need a bigger car to drive them around, how we'd save and retire early.... all topics brought up by him. If this is just a game, it's the cruelest game ever.