"are you ready?"

People keep asking me if I'm ready for Ironman. It's just over four weeks away. The truth is- I'm scared to death and I don't know if I'm ready.  Everyone says "you'll do great!" "you're so ready" "you're going to kick some butt!" and while I'm sure they mostly believee it, it's also because the people I know are too nice to tell me they don't think I can do it.  But, can I do it? 140.6 miles is a long way. I'm 30 years old (or will be by race morning), I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm hungry, I'm aching, I'm still hurting over an ended relationship.  It's a very emotional roller coaster right now. 

What if I can't do it? What if I have to drop out during the day? What if I can't finish in 17 hours? I have 9 people coming to cheer for me- tentatively call "Bri's Bunch" How will they feel if they come all that way and don't get to see me cross the finish line? I know I'll feel like I let them down. I'm pretty sure they won't feel that way, this is my family cheering for me after all- but for me, I'll have let them down.

The thing is, no one actually knows how ready I am, or not. No one trains with me. I swim alone, I ride alone and 90% of the time I run alone. No one knows how much of myself I'm pouring into each workout, how painful they all are, how frequently I break down in tears because I feel like I just can't do anymore. 

Don't get me wrong, this is something i CHOSE to do, something I wanted to do... still want to do. But here I am, turning 30 and my life is nothing as I always imagined it would be. At 30, I thought I'd be living with "someone" and we'd be talking about getting a dog and where we wanted to live and perhaps kids, and I'd be hanging up my distance shoes and sticking to sprint distances so I could focus on the important things in life.  And here it is, coming up on Memorial Day weekend, and what are my plans? Not see any of my friends- if I even have any left- but instead a three hour run, a six hour bike ride, a swim, a two hour bike ride, another swim.  This is my life? Is it really all worth it??